God did not create marriage so we could feel love. It wasn’t created so we could live financially stable or so we could have ditch that “single” status on social media. It wasn’t for fulfilling sexual desires, to earn us a tax credit or to give us someone to answer the question “does this hat make my head look big?” He didn’t even create it so we could produce little-us-es. Well, not JUST those things, anyway. God ordained marriage back in Genesis 2 between Adam and Eve in the name of companionship. He said “it is not good for man to be alone” (v18). God saw that we’d never make it in this world without someone we could love and trust – a person with which we could build an exclusive and intimate connection.
Most Christians would not argue (and if you would, well, you’re wrong – see Matthew 22:36-40) that our greatest relationship is between the human and God. Churches preach it, small groups affirm it. We train people how to have “quiet time” with our Savior. It truly is that important. The only way to know God more, is to spend quality time with him. Invest time in his Word, prayer, individual and corporate worship, individual and group discipleship. So, let’s just put that in our “understood” pile. Second only to that relationship is our relationship with this companion that God has given us. If we are to model loving our spouse in a similar manner as how we are to know God, then we must spend time with that person. Here’s the hard part: spending real quality time alone with God takes discipline, planning and sacrifice. I have to set my alarm earlier, tell my hobbies to wait, put my comfort on hold. And, similarly, spending real quality time with my spouse takes discipline, planning and sacrifice. But, both are so very worth it!
The best place to start this in any marriage is by rebooting the idea of dating your spouse. Remember before you were married, how exciting and anticipated that date night was? Yes, you did something fun, but you understood that the greater purpose was that you got to know each other. The whole “no, you hang up” notion was forged in the fire of companionship.
Start dating your spouse again.
Here’s the Challenge!
- Set a date night. It’s best to do one per week, but if your life just can’t handle that (small children, offsetting work schedules, etc.) then schedule them for every-other-week. This may seem like it’s taking the spontaneity and romance out of it, but believe me, if it’s not on the calendar, it likely won’t happen.
- Plan the date. Having the date on the calendar doesn’t do anything without a plan! Alternate who plans the date. If it’s the husband’s turn, set up a night that has the focus on her. Sure, you should do something you both enjoy, but lean more toward showing her love (Ephesians 5.33). Everything doesn’t have to be pink and frilly, but make sure it’s something she’s going to enjoy. Then alternate. Ladies, plan something with him in mind. The idea here is to give love/respect without focusing on getting anything in return.
- Let the dating begin! Remember, date nights don’t have to be expensive or even away from the home! Just set aside time to be together with no distractions. If you have small children, perhaps you need to have a stay-at-home date if you have difficulty with babysitting. Get the kids to bed and plan the next hour without screens and focus on each other.
- Remember the goal is companionship. It’s about knowing each other better. It’s not about getting it done so you can do what you really want to do. It’s not about giving you a night to have fun (it’s about your spouse, remember). It’s not even about sex (although, that can sure be a pretty groovy part!). It’s truly about companionship and deepening your relationship.
BONUS POINTS!
Start with date nights, then work toward extended dates. Work in a once-a-quarter “long date”. Make that a full Saturday date where you go do something fun all or most of the day. Or, perhaps even getting someone to keep the kids over-night so it’s just you two. You could alternating the planning of this to focus on your spouse as well!
NEXT LEVEL!
Once a year, plan an out-of-town, over-night trip! This is so important. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT LEAVING YOUR CHILDREN WITH THE GRANDPARENTS (or other friends/family). God created MARRIAGE for companionship. It takes work. So, work on it! Your children (God willing) will grow up and leave. Your spouse is your life-long companion. Work on this relationship with guilt-free! Your children may try to inflict the “what about us” card, but don’t cave! Ultimately, you are demonstrating to them how important it is from THEM to spend time with their future mates as well. It’s what God wants you to do.
Invest your time with your spouse by building a good date-night strategy! Sit down and talk about it tonight, put something on the calendar tonight! It’s never too late to start! God is for you and for your marriage (Heb 13.4a).
If your marriage or just your life in general is in need of some extra attention, there is hope and help! Please contact Mile18. We offer free Biblical Counseling and would love to talk and pray with you… in person (Central Arkansas) or virtual.
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