I thought I had it all together. Well, better stated, I at least thought I was handling it all well.
Our church had just been through a difficult season. Our pastor had recently resigned under a cloud of uncertainty. There was never a clear understanding of his leaving, only an abrupt departure that left the congregation to assume its own conclusions. Shortly after, several staff members resigned. The church’s polity really left it open for interpretation as to who would lead what in the interim. People were hurt, confused, frustrated and many were just done with it all. I remember thinking how sad this must be for God as we flop around trying to find a heading for “our” church.
Most people’s minds need closure. And, many times when we do not have it, we assume what is most logical in our own minds, just so our souls can be at rest. An assumption without knowing the facts can often give us that rest – whether it’s rooted in fact or not. Just anything – and often it’s just whatever is the simplest to understand. No clear explanation was ever given for the sudden turnover and unrest that the church was experiencing. Being the second-chair leader at this church left me square in the cross-hairs of assumption. I found myself often at the end of the pointing finger. I embraced Romans 5.3-5. Suffering produces endurance that produces character that produces hope. I understood that good could come from this. Lay low and let God work. That sounds like a really good Sunday-School type answer, right? On paper, that answer is 100% correct. I kept telling myself, just be the punching bag. Let people take their swings. Whether they are right or wrong in their assumptions, closure will help. So, just stand in there alone, the bleeding will stop eventually. And, in the end they will feel better and you can have gain endurance, character and hope.
Out of nowhere…
I can’t fully explain what happened that day – just a large blur. I was at the church mowing (something another staff member and I did for some additional income) when I felt a sensation on my legs that I really cannot describe. It was as if bugs were inside my skin. I began swatting and scraping. I jumped off of the mower and began running to first aid kit where we had some anti-itch spray which I quickly emptied on my legs. No relief. I crawled to my truck not even knowing where I was going and just left – as if I was going to outrun the unwanted itch. I ended up at home – somehow (again, blur) – and made it to the shower. At this point, my legs were bleeding from the scratching, the spray and the ointment. And, then I began to uncontrollably weep. I was having an anxiety attack. My body was crying out for relief that no spray, ointment, or soap was going to stop. That’s when it really gets blurry – in the shower, out of the shower onto the bathroom floor. I just remember finally feeling some calm after begging God for relief and being held by my sweet wife.
Anxiety or panic attacks are very real. Don’t let any well-meaning friend tell you they are not. Don’t settle for their bumper-sticker answer to just “let go and let God”. That’s a lovely sentiment, but it’s not well-received when you are in the fetal position crying for relief. We needed real answers. I began my journey back to this passage where I started. When I took another look at Romans 3.3-5, I began to see what I was missing. Check this verse out again in NLT (emphasis mine):
3 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. 4 And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. 5 And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.
Did you see what I saw? No less than 9 times in that passage it talks about “us” more than “me”, “we” more than “I”. I had been reading that all wrong! I am not to stand and fight on my own.
Here are 4 things I learned from this passage about my anxiety:
- I was never meant to handle anxiety alone. (See blog post: You are(n’t) Enough) I had good intentions. I really didn’t want to “bother” other people with my struggles, my pressures from others. I truly didn’t want them to know some of the people that were coming at me because I didn’t want them to think less of those that were angry. But, I missed the fact that I am not built to do this on my own. I know God is faithful to supply someone else that could have confidentially shared my load (Gal 6.2) with me and/or someone that could hear me confess my short-comings (James 5.16) as well. There’s something so relieving in just speaking your struggle. And there’s nothing more comforting than a Godly brother or sister willing to listen, love and share your burden.
- When I feel anxiety creeping back in, one of the greatest things I can do is to invest into someone else. The best way to stop looking at myself (i.e. self-pity) is to look at someone else. Philippians 4.4-7 most well-known passages on anxiety, Paul says “Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do.” Get in there and show love to someone expecting nothing in return. Verse 7 promises that after we do that then “His peace will guard your hearts and minds.” Peace. Now that’s a suitable replacement for anxiety!
- The best way to keep from reverting back to my state of anxiety is to own my story. I’m not super-human. I don’t possess some extraordinary gift that makes me more like Jesus than everyone else. I’m not problem-free, sin-free or anxiety-free. If I am going to step closer to being like Jesus, I have to know who I was. I must stand on the fact that God has delivered me from that and it’s because He allows me to move forward that I do so. Paul owns his story in Acts 22, but goes back to it many times throughout his letters replaying the life from where God had called him (1 Cor 15.9, Eph 3.8, 1 Tim 1.16 – just to name a few).
- Remember: God is for us. Look up at verse 5 again. If we allow God to change our heart and mind. If we endure through the difficulty. If we remember that he is for us and this light and temporary suffering is going to strengthen our patience, character and faith. Then look up at verse 5 again. If we do these things, we have God’s promise that “it will not lead to disappointment.” I don’t know how it will end. I don’t know what God will do, but I can speak from experience when I say, IT WILL NOT END IN DISAPPOINTMENT.
Oh that I could tell that itchy mess of a younger me that he might have saved himself an afternoon breakdown if he would have just slowed down and truly read (and believed) God’s word. Perhaps I would have brought others into my story and prevented the assault. My friend, if any of this hits home with you, please get someone else involved. Not tomorrow or later this week. Do it right now. Communicating with someone that can share your burden, pray and open God’s Word with you is not just important, it’s soul-revivingly important. Mile18 Ministries offers Biblical Counseling (or “intense discipleship”). We’d love to sit one-on-one (or one-on-few) with you and walk with you through this difficult season.
If this post has stirred a desire to talk more, there is hope and help! Please contact Mile18. We offer free Biblical Counseling and would love to talk and pray with you… in person (Central Arkansas) or virtual.
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